The Testing Page of DOOM! 11

Prologue

	I told you they'd like it.
	I think your fanbase is as deranged as you are.
	You realize you're a part of that fanbase, right?
	No, I'm just a figment of your imagination. Crazy is a part of your fanbase. If you can call it that.
	...
	What?
	...Must...not...say...
	Say what?
	Only that you sound CRAAAAZY! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!
	...
	Ha! Ha! Ha! ...What?
	The one who sounds insane here is you.
	Well, naturally. I spent the past 10 TPoDs talking to myself. Obviously a sign of a deranged mind.
	No argument here.
	What on Earth are you doing?
	*Gasp* I have a Grim in my head, too!
	What?
	Well, I'm already talking to Crazy-in-my-head, and now here comes Grim-in-my-head.
	...Are you feeling all right?
	I don't think he's in your head.
	He must be, we're not in the TPoD yet.
	Aren't we?
	We can't be. I'm talking to you still.
	You're talking to who still?
	Crazy!
	Crazy's not here.
	I don't think he can see me.
	But why wouldn't my own delusion be able to see you?
	Are you sure you're not in the TPoD already?
	How could I possibly be in the TPoD when I'm not writing i-- oh.
	Finally figured it out, have you?
	Oh, bollocks.
	Look, if you're going to insist on talking to yourself, I'm going to insist on leaving.
	Why'd you come around in the first place, then?
	Why'd you come around in the first place, then?
	Well, duh. Because THE TPoD IS STARTING!
	Holy shit! I didn't know you could do that!
	Of course I can. Now come along, it's time to take positions.

The Testing Page of DOOM! 11

In Which A Trope What Really Happened Is Described

	*pushes back the fourth wall* Hello, everyone. Just thought I'd let you know that, since TPoD10 had multitudinous possible sequences of events, you may have been left wondering which sequence really happened. The answer is... none of them! The real events following TPoD9 will now be described.
THE FOURTH WALL	*returns to its rightful position*
	Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha! My master plan is coming along beautifully!
	What master plan?
	GACK! Where'd you come from?!
	Uh, this is a public corridor.
	There are corridors here?
	Well, yeah. How else would we get around?
	I rather assumed this was a shapeless Ether that we drifted around in.
	What would be the point of that? We had better simulation technology than that back in the '80s.
	Hmm. Now that you mention it, I suppose you're right.
	Now are you going to answer my question?
	What question?
	What master plan of yours is coming along beautifully?
	Um... I don't suppose I could retract the statement and execute it again someplace less public?
	Not a chance.
	Damn.
	Now answer the question, already.
	I don't have to if I don't want to! *bolts* MWA-HA-HA-HA-HA!
	I think not.
	OOF! Where'd you come from?
	It's a public corridor. I was walking down it.
	Seriously, since when have there been corridors?
	Since forever. Where else would the door from Ville's Top Secret Project Workshop of Doom(tm) have led?
	Hmm... good point there.
	Now answer the question: what master plan of yours is coming along beautifully?
	My lips are sealed!
	What lips?
	It's a figure of speech!
	You do realize I could boil you alive, drop you into a black hole, and then make you detonate like a nuclear warhead, right?
	You can?!?
	Sure. Level 28 Liquid Metal, Level 49 Black Hole, and Level 2 Nuclear Obliteration.
	What, level 2? That's it?
	You have no idea what Level 1 Nuclear Obliteration looks like, do you?
	Um, come to think of it... no, no I don't.
	Then I suppose you won't mind if I demonstrate it on you.
	AGH! No, that's... that's okay.
	Then I suggest you answer the man's question.
	What que-- OW!
	That was a level 1 Needle Prick.
	Why do you have such a bizarre spell?
	For right now. Level 10 Nee--
	OKAY! OKAY! I'll tell you!
	So do it.
	*holds up a disc* You see this?
	It looks like a disc.
	Looks like, but isn't. It's actually a piece of data.
	Ah, I see. It's merely being represented in the virtual world as a disc.
	Exactly. Anyway, this is the source code for... a certain program.
	You mean Driftmoon?
	How did you--?
	You came out of Ville's Top Secret Project Workshop of Doom(tm) holding it. I'd say it was a pretty safe bet.
	Okay, okay... anyway, I was hired to steal this.
	Why?
	Why? Why? WHY?!? Why wouldn't you want to get your hands on the source code to Driftmoon?
	Because it's not finished?
	Because the final game is going to be highly moddable anyway?
	Because Ville can probably code better than his fanbase?
	Because it's much harder to understand and modify somebody else's highly complex code than it is to work with code you've written entirely by yourself?
	Hmm... Hadn't thought of any of that, actually.
	You're not too bright, are you?
	No need to be insulting. Anyway, I'm not the one who wants it. As I said, I was hired to get it.
	By who?
	I don't know. The buyer contacted me anonymously.
	ANONYMOUS, I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN!
	*pokes his head into the corridor* Hey now, it wasn't me.
	No, not you, the other Anonymous.
	The "We are many, we are one" Anonymous?
	That's the one.
	That sounds dubious.
	Why?
	Why would 4chan have even heard of Driftmoon? Or care?
	Hmm... good point.
	Isn't it entirely possible that by "anonymously" he actually means "anonymously?"
	Hmm...
	...Hadn't thought of that...
	You're hopeless.
	Right. PixelMedia Logo Man, you will tell us everything you know about your employer!
	Um... they exist, and they offered money for the Driftmoon source code.
	What, really? That's all you know?
	That's pretty sad.
	Yup, that's all I know.
	And how were you going to contact them to give them the source code?
	...Huh. Never thought of that.
	*facepalms*
	Okay, that's beyond sad. That's just pathetic.
	Hey, they offered a lot of money, okay? I didn't want to ask questions!
	Not to mention you had no idea where to send your questions if you had any.
	Um... that too.
	Right. I'm going to lock you up so you can't do anything stupid.
	Hey! I told you everything!
	And I'm still going to lock you up. What don't you understand about this?
	You can't do this to m--
	Level 12 Binding Grasp!
	--mmmMMMF! Mffmfmf ffmmmfm MMFFMMMFMFFFF!
	That's what I thought you'd say. Level 50 Remote Teleport!
	*pop*
	What's "Remote Teleport?" Why didn't you use Astral Transport?
	Oh, Astral Transport is for making sure things can't move after you've teleported them, and the Binding Grasp already did that. I used Remote Teleport to get you out of the pocket dimension the Impostor put you in, remember?
	Oh, is that what it was? Okay, so where did you send him?
	Another pocket dimension. Don't worry, it has food and water.
	Oh, I wouldn't worry about feeding him. His death would actually greatly simplify things, actually.
	... *shudder*
	So what do we do now?
	Well, we gather everyone else and tell them that somebody is paying money for the Driftmoon source code, and we don't know why they want it or what they'll do to get it.
TIME PASSES	AND EXPOSITION IS GIVEN TO THE OTHER FORUMITES
	Right, so we're all in agreement?
	I think so.
	It all seems pretty straightforward.
	I have a question. Since when do we have corridors?!?
	Since forever, Z.
	Seriously.
	So how come I don't remember ever seeing one?
	How should we know?
	Where did you think the door from your room went?
	...Oh, that corridor.
	You are enlightened.
	So who's going to tell Ville?
	I will.
	Actually, I think I should do it, being an admin and all.
	Fair enough. Here's the disc.
	*walks off*
	Ville? *knocks on the door to the Top Secret Project Workshop of Doom(tm)*
	(muffled) What?
	I've got something to talk to you about.
	(muffled) I'm a bit busy.
	(muffled) Yeah, trying to get Morrowind to run again.
	(muffled) Shut up!
	*opens the door* What is it?
	*hands him the disc* Someone tried to steal this.
	Ah! That evil logo-avatar-thing!
	I knew it was up to no good!
	Actually, yes, it was. MageKing and Grim caught it and made it give the source code back.
	He stole source code?
	Yes, to Driftmoon.
	Why?
	Someone said they'd pay him for it. He didn't know who. We're trying to figure it out right now.
	AVAIL.
	ANAIL.
	That's not a word.
	It's two!
	You're disqualified.
	Balls.
	No doubt they've gotten some good work done already.
	Well, keep us informed. Oh, and see if you can figure out what's wrong with this.
	*is handed over*
	...Morrowind? Seriously?
	Well, gotta go, so good to see you, come back later! *slams the door*
	...That was wierd.
	Okay, I told him.
	That's great. STEIN.
	STEEN.
	That's not a word.
	It's a city. Steen, Minnesota.
	Hrmph.
	SHEEN.
	SHEET.
	What are you people doing?
	Playing a word game. SLEET.
	Shouldn't you be figuring out who the mastermind trying to steal the Driftmoon source code is?
	Couldn't find any leads. SLEEP.
	So you gave up?
	We didn't give up, I've got a search spell running. BLEEP. We're just passing time.
	BLEED. That's it, game over.
	Yup. Good job, everyone.
	There has got to be something better we can do with our time.
	Like what?
	Like, I dunno, run an IP trace?
	Already did that. Didn't find anything.
	Did you even--?
	Send me? Yes. Yes, he did. It wasn't pleasant. There was nothing there. Dead end. Hurt like hell.
	Sorry I asked.
	Not as sorry as I was.
	So there's nothing we can do until MageKing's search spell finishes?
	Nope.
	We can play another round!
	Ugh.
TIME PASSES	AGAIN
	...Aaaaand now everyone's disqualified. Playing with 7 letters was a bad idea.
	Playing that game at all was a bad idea.
	Don't be a spoilsport.
LOUND DINGING NOISE	*IS REALLY ANNOYING*
	AGH! What the hell is that?
	My search spell finished!
	Did it have to be so loud?
	MageKing said he turned it down.
	I find that hard to believe.
	Ssh! Listen!
SEARCH SPELL	2 RESULTS FOUND. RESULT ONE: "I'VE GOT A LOVELY BUNCH OF COCONUTS." RESULT TWO: "WILLING TO SPEND HANDSOMELY FOR SOURCE CODE OF DRIFTMOON."
	Well, sounds like the second one is the one we want.
	Maybe, maybe not. REVEAL RESULT TWO!
SEARCH SPELL	RESULT CONTENTS: WILLING TO SPEND HANDSOMELY FOR SOURCE CODE OF DRIFTMOON. THERE THEY ARE ALL STANDING IN A ROW. BIG ONES, SMALL ONES, SOME AS BIG AS YOUR HEAD. GIVE THEM A TWIST, A FLICK OF THE WRIST, THAT’S WHAT THE SHOWMAN SAID.
	What the fuck?
	REVEAL RESULT ONE!
SEARCH SPELL	RESULT CONTENTS: I'VE GOT A LOVELY BUNCH OF COCONUTS WHEN I SAY HANDSOMELY, I MEAN HANDSOMELY IF YOU MANAGE TO GET A HOLD OF THE SOURCE CODE CONTACT ME AT XXX.XXX.XXX.XXX
	What the fuck? ...Again?
	Obviously, our would-be thief attempted to switch the headers of his request and something else he picked at random. Unfortunately for him, my search spell is too smart for that.
	It looks like we've got him.
	How? The IP address is blanked out.
	Not a problem.
	Not again...
	Level 99 Transmit!
	HHUUURRRGGG!
	Ping response from IP XXX.XXX.XXX.XXX, would you like to run a backtrace?
	Agh! It's the... oh, right, that's the actual logo. Um, yes.
	Running backtrace...
ONE REMOTE TELEPORT LATER	(WELL, TECHNICALLY, A BUNCH OF LITTLE REMOTE TELEPORTS, BUT IT MAKES MORE SENSE TO REFER TO IT AS A CONGLOMERATION...)
	Who the devil are you, and why do you look like AsdMaster?
	Er... uh... how do you know I'm... not AsdMaster, eh?
	Well, because he's dead, and because you spell way better.
	He he he... okay. I guess I can reveal my true form.
	Ta-da!
	What the fuck?!
	My mind... she is blown!
	How could UberWaffe be behind this?
	It doesn't even make sense!
	Hey, hang on, I thought UberWaffe's power was making people invisible, not shapeshifting.
	Good point.
	Er... that was only a PART of my power, not ALL of it! Yeah!
	LEVEL 99 IDENTIFY!
	...Oh, balls.
	WHAT THE FUCK?!?
	ARCADE?!?
	That makes even less sense!
	You've been gone... like... forever! You're as gone as... as gone as Eternal!
	Um, actually...
	That's it! No more fucking surprises! LEVEL 99 BARRIER WALL!
	Uh, MageKing? What was that?
	I just sealed this room. Nobody gets in or out until I get some answers. Both of you, explain yourselves.
	Would you believe me if I said we just wanted to check out the latest progress on Driftmoon?
	No. No I wouldn't.
	Oh well, we tried. HI-YAAA!
	...You know, you'd have better luck hitting me if you knew how to aim worth a damn.
	What the--
MAGIC CIRCLE	*appears in mid-air*
	By the power of Hephaestus, FIRE!
	Whoa now, can't we--
	By the power of Poseidon, WATER!
	Look, would you just--
	By the power of Zeus, LIGHTNING!
	If you'd just list--
	By the power of Apollo, LIGHT!
	Ack! It's blinding!
	LEVEL 999 TETRA-ELEMENTAL BLAST!
	FUCK!
	SHIT!
	*KABLOOOOOEY!*
	...Um, MageKing? Not to criticize or anything, but they kind of can't answer any questions now.
	*blinks* Huh?
	Blasting them into a trillion tiny pieces may have entertained you, but makes them difficult to question.
	*sigh* Idiota, you obviously have a terrible attention span.
	Oh! Uh, right. Sorry, I did forget.
	Honestly.
	RISE, ARCADE AND ETERNAL!
BOOMING VOICE	ARCADE AND ETERNAL ARE NOT DEAD.
	What?!?
	This just gets more and more confusing.
	IDENTIFY THOSE WHO DIED IN THIS ROOM!
BOOMING VOICE	NOBODY HAS DIED IN THIS ROOM.
	Well, that's... not good.
	You're telling me! Anything that can survive a Level 999 Tetra-Elemental blast is not something I'd care to meet again.
	Maybe it would be a good idea for us to, I dunno, get out of here?
	Good point. ...Oof!
	What the...?
	Oh, whoops. Forgot to drop the barrier wall. Level 100 Dispel!
	...Ooof! What the... that's not my barrier wall!
	What do you mean?
	Looks like we're stuck here.
	Not if I have anything to say about it! BY THE POWER OF--
	Whoa! Not with us in the way!
	Oh, right. Everyone, get behind me!
EVERYONE	*scampers behind MageKing17*
MAGIC CIRCLE	*appears in mid-air*
	By the power of Hephaestus, FIRE!
	Do we have to go through this whole thing again?
	BY THE POWER OF SHUT UP, WATER!
	I can't believe that worked.
	BY THE POWER OF STOP TALKING, LIGHTNING!
	Sorry.
	By the power of Apollo, LIGHT!
	Agh! My eyes! I can't see!
	LEVEL 999 TETRA-ELEMENTAL BLAST!
	*KABLOOOEY!*
DOOR	*shatters into a trillion pieces*
	Right, shall we go?
	So. Who were those two? Were they really Arcade and Eternal?
	I thought MageKing identified them?
	Technically, only "Arcade", and if they can survive a tetra-elemental blast, it's possible they could fudge an identification spell.
	Erm. That's not a happy thought.
	Indeed.
	Well, we definitely know they didn't die... my powers are, shall we say, not exactly susceptible to deception.
	I believe it. However, the identity of those two isn't the only unanswered question here.
	Indeed. Why did they want the source code to Driftmoon? Why were they pretending to be AsdMaster, then UberWaffe, then Arcade and Eternal (assuming of course, that they weren't Arcade and Eternal)?
	More importantly, how did they survive a Level 999 Tetra-Elemental Blast?
	...Not very happy thoughts.
	Not very happy at all.
NEXT TIME IN TPoD	Will our heroes' questions ever be answered? Who were these two people pretending to be Arcade and Eternal? How did they survive a Level 999 Tetra-Elemental Blast? And since when have we had corridors? Find out... next time!